


It's Always Sunny In Beacon Hills

by rashaka



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Disasters, Episode: s03e12 Lunar Ellipse, F/M, Gen, Gen Work, Humor, I never know what to tag this fic, Instant Messaging, Magical Realism, Multi, Other, Parody, Pregnant Stiles, Text messaging, because each chapter is different, but not in the way you'd expect, now with bonus images, yet it's jokingly canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-08-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 18:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/903279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rashaka/pseuds/rashaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We have to do something to save our parents. Anyway, it's just a little darkness around our hearts. I mean really, what's the worst that could happen?"</p><p>Chapter 2 - "Stiles Gets Pregnant"</p><p>"Pregnant," Allison confirmed, like it was a totally normal thing and not a sentence unfit for the universe.  "Eight weeks, approximately."</p><p>Derek stared at her, then said the first thought that came out: "Well it's not <i>my</i> fault."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Derek's Whole Family Dies In A Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this amazing tumblr blog](http://itsalwayssunnyinbeaconhills.tumblr.com), which is inspired in turn by the comedy _It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia_. 
> 
> Chapter Reference: ["Derek's Whole Family Dies In A Fire"](http://itsalwayssunnyinbeaconhills.tumblr.com/post/56638312957/tacoposey-its-always-sunny-in-beacon-hills)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kate's cool, right? We're getting girlfriend/boyfriend sweatshirts tomorrow! Anyway, you saw her at the town hall meeting. She's nice."
> 
> "Yeah, nice, sure," agreed Peter. "In that I'm-gonna-burn-down-your-house kinda way."
> 
> "You're just mean because you're jealous. Girls don't start fires."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by [this hilarious tumblr blog](http://itsalwayssunnyinbeaconhills.tumblr.com/), which is inspired in turn by the comedy _It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia._
> 
> Chapter Inspiration: "[Derek's Whole Family Dies In A Fire](http://itsalwayssunnyinbeaconhills.tumblr.com/post/56638312957/tacoposey-its-always-sunny-in-beacon-hills)"

Peter walked down the road to the family house, clutching his library copy of _Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince_. They almost hadn't given him that fourth renewal, but Peter Hale was too good looking for library fees, or rules, or uppity public servants. In fact, Peter Hale was so good looking that last week some crazy old lady had pulled right out in front of his Cadillac XLR and forced him to rear-end her, then insisted that his effort to calm her with peanut butter cups was attempted murder just because she had a tiny little allergy problem. Could he help it if bearing the face of Adonis drove the people around him to insane acts of jealousy? No he could not. 

"When's your car get out of the shop?" Derek asked, skipping behind him. How on god's green earth that a seventeen-year-old boy could skip in public and still be popular, Peter could never figure out. "I bet Kate would give us a ride if I called her. Kate's great. Ha, even her name rhymes! Get it?"

Thinking about his obscenely expensive convertible and how much he hated old ladies, and girlfriends, and girls, and just people in general, Peter tried to walk faster. 

"I don't care, Derek." 

"She's super smart, you know? And her hair is like...honey. Like honey on gold on sunlight on Ritz crackers."

"You cannot imagine how much I don't care about her junk food hair." To prove it, he opened _The Half Blood Prince_ and began to read. 

__

**It was nearing midnight and the Prime Minister was sitting alone in his office...**

Skipping even faster, Derek's head bobbed next to Peter's. The little shit had grown a foot overnight and seemed to be under the impression that this made them equals. He whined, "But she's _so_ hot. Her breasts are, like, _right there_. And I saw her knock this guy's legs right out from underneath him when he tried to take her grocery cart."

A good anecdote will have a near bedeviling effect on Peter Hale, and this one exceeded even the potential intrigue of Rufus Scrimgeour. He stopped walking, thrust his arm out so that Derek smacked into it, and asked, "Was there a particularly Shakespearean lack of carts at Albertsons that day?"

Derek considered this. "Not really? I mean, there were like ten lined up right beside us. But the dude cut her off and grabbed the one she was about to use, so she was all 'Step off, scum nuts!' and did a round-house to the back of his knees."

Then he proceeded to demonstrate this impressive kick against an invisible opponent right there on the sidewalk, and Peter reminded himself that if weren't for a pretty face Derek probably wouldn't even know what condoms were for. Rolling his eyes, he said, "You want to date this person?"

"Cool, right? We're getting girlfriend/boyfriend sweatshirts tomorrow! Anyway, you saw her at the town hall meeting. She's nice."

"Yeah, nice, sure," agreed Peter. "In that I'm-gonna-burn-down-your-house kinda way."

"You're just mean because you're jealous. Girls don't start fires."

 

**~six years later~**

 

Scott paced back and forth in Derek's burnt foyer, expounding on his forever true love while Derek stood there like a lump, not contributing anything to the conversation at all.

"Her aunt is _so_ cool, though. She's teaching Allison archery, and how to knock people's legs out from under them." An idea occurred to Scott. "Derek, you should meet her!"

This statement did not have the intended effect. 

"I have met her, and I'm _pretty_ sure she killed my whole family _in a fire_."

"Dude, no way." Scott pouted. He was just trying to help; why did Derek have to be so touchy all the time? "Allison said that's speculation and rumor."

"She told me, Scott." 

"But—"

"The smoking remains of our veranda is the background on her phone."

"Well, okay, that sucks, but you better not bring it up at dinner."

Derek's eyes got really huge and he tried to loom over him. "I'm not going to dinner with you and your little girlfriend and the Argents."

Well, Super Werewolf Scott McCall was not going to put up with this pissy attitude anymore. "Derek," he coaxed. "You said we were brothers! My mom's working and I need someone to come with me."

"Not happening."

"But _why_?"

"BECAUSE SHE KILLED MY WHOLE FAMILY IN A FIRE."

Scott put both hands in the air, placating. "Fine, okay. No barbecue, I got it."


	2. Stiles Gets Pregnant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know about this," Lydia whispered as Stiles climbed into the massive tub of ice water. "This feels like a poorly-conceived plan. There are too many variables."
> 
> Stiles shivered as he sunk into the water up to his chest, and tried his best to smile for her. He said, "We have to do _something_ to save our parents. Anyway, it's just a little darkness around our hearts. I mean really, what's the worst that could happen?"
> 
> Chapter 2 - "Stiles Gets Pregnant"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 3x12, Lunar Ellipse. Chapter Inspiration: "[Stiles Gets Pregnant](http://itsalwayssunnyinbeaconhills.tumblr.com/post/56638512498/tacoposey-its-always-sunny-in-beacon-hills)"

"I don't know about this," Lydia whispered as Stiles climbed into the massive tub of ice water. "This feels like a poorly-conceived plan. There are too many variables."

Stiles shivered as he sunk into the water up to his chest, and tried his best to smile for her. He said, "We have to do _something_ to save our parents. Anyway, it's just a little darkness around our hearts. I mean really, what's the worst that could happen?"

 

**~practically the next day~**

"Sixteen hours!" Stiles hissed to himself as he steered his jeep out of the clinic's parking lot. He felt strange: tingly, all over. He probably had a terminal case of goosebumps to follow that fun experiment in hypothermia. His stomach was cramping like he'd just done six hundred crunches, and who knew how long it'd been since he ate something.

"What kind of doctor lets someone be dead for sixteen hours?" he complained to the empty road. "I bet he faked his degree with a skeezy Druid spell. Knew I didn't trust that guy."

 

**~a half hour later~**

 

**~four days later~**

"You can't text and drive in the rain!" gasped Scott, poking his friend in the shoulder with his finger to emphasize his point. "No wonder you had an accident. New pack rule: no texting while driving in the rain."

"Forget about the accident, Scott!" Stiles snapped. "How come you never answered my text?"

Scott wondered if being the Alpha meant he could demand his friends address him as Super Scott all the time, instead of just regular Scott. He shrugged, and said, "About feeling off? Obviously, yeah. I feel it here, right in the center of my chest. Epic darkness."

"Well, I think I feel it in my stomach," said Stiles. "Is that weird?"

 

**~two weeks later~**

 

**~one month later~**

"What the _fuck?_ "

Alan Deaton grimaced. He was losing money every time these kids came in here. They kept asking him to _fix this_ or _test that_ , no matter how many times he explained that he was a veterinarian and therefore not licensed to work on humans. It was like they thought he'd faked his entire profession just to be conveniently available for their adolescent problems.

Now the mouthy one was here, Mrs. Gruper's labradoodle was overdue for its spaying, and no one was minding the front desk.

"I said," Alan enunciated slowly, "According to your blood hormone levels, you are—"

 

**~seven minutes later~**

 

**~one week later~**

Derek was pouring himself a cup of coffee (black, like Uncle Peter's soul) and relishing the simple joy of having a brand new coffee press for his brand new apartment. The appliance was the second best thing he'd picked up on his quest, and he felt it really brought home the image that he was a changed man.

It was symbolic. It was _chromed_.

He'd just brought his favorite Lilo & Stitch mug to his lips for the first divine taste when a horrendous cacophony of knocks exploded on his new front door. In his new apartment. Which supposedly _no one_ but Cora knew he'd purchased. For fuck's sake, he'd only been back in town one day! He hadn't even called Scott yet to tell him all his adventures.

"Let us in, Derek!" said Allison's voice.

"I know you're in there," added Isaac.

"What the hell is Derek gonna do about it?" said Stiles, addressing the other two teenagers in the hall. "I'm not comfortable with this. We need professional help. I haven't even told my dad yet."

"Don't be such a baby," Isaac said just as Derek flung open the door and glared at all of them. "...He might know something."

"WHAT?" Derek roared. In the kitchen, his brand new coffee press rattled.

Allison stepped forward, and with the tone of a merciless government employee, demanded, "Let us in, we have questions."

"No," said Derek, but Isaac pushed past him anyway, then Stiles ducked under his elbow, brushing his side as he went. Kid had put on a few pounds, that was obvious. Derek looked back at Allison, who raised her eyebrows smugly. With a growl he waved her inside and banged the door shut behind them.

Derek got to his kitchen just in time to see Isaac pluck the Lilo & Stitch mug out of Stiles' hands and start chugging the eighteen-dollar-a-bag free trade coffee like it was Gatorade. Stiles pouted, Allison primly ignored both boys, and Derek reminded himself that he was a changed man. He was capable of sharing, and he could live without coffee for a few more minutes. When they left he'd make just two cups and drink them _both_ by himself. Now if only he could get this over with before his favorite telenova started.

Derek crossed his arms, looked at the three suspicious home invaders, and said, "What's going on and why are you here?"

"Stiles is pregnant," announced Isaac.

"What?"

"Pregnant," Allison confirmed, like it was a totally normal thing and not a sentence unfit for the universe. "Eight weeks, approximately."

Derek stared at her, then said the first thing that came out: "Well it's not _my_ fault."

"Why would it be your fault?" She gave him a bizarre look. "Were you two—"

Derek cut her off, saying, " _How_ can he be pregnant, Allison?" He eyeballed the once-skinny lacrosse player. "Were you seriously a girl this whole time?"

"Go fuck yourself," said Stiles.

"It's because he married a tree," said Isaac, with the grin of someone who's discovered new joy in life. "A _magic_ tree."

Stiles rounded on the taller boy. "Stop saying that!  What did I ever do to you?"

Derek, still hung up on the pregnancy thing when this news was thrown at him, said, "You married a tree?"

"So did Scott and Allison!"

The attempt at deflection worked. "Scott married a tree?" asked Derek. He was getting visibly upset now. All he wanted to do was watch his stories and drink his yuppie coffee in the dark by himself. Why the hell were they doing this to him? "Is _he_ pregnant?"

Allison interrupted the subsequent downward spiral before it could be begin. Holding both hands up, she declared, "We didn't marry the tree. We just...ceremonially pledged our lives to it in a suicide pact."

"And now you're all pregnant?"

Allison snorted. "No, that's just Stiles. _I_ get the shot."

The pregnant seventeen-year-old-boy practically screeched as he pointed at his friends and said, "Enough! Stop making this funny! And you, Sailor Venus: if I can get pregnant without a fracking _uterus_ , what makes you think the Nemeton cares about your stupid birth control?"

"I care," said Isaac, and took another sip of Derek's coffee.

 

**~two months later~**

They all stood in a circle around the little green tree: the McCall pack, Derek, Deaton, and Sheriff Stilinski.

"We are _never_ discussing this again."

Stiles glared at them each in turn, doubling back to glare twice at Derek and three times at Isaac.

" _Never_."


End file.
